Is it summer yet?

God it's seriously fucking cold outside. I actually thought for a moment today that I would not be able to get inside the house, 'cause my fingers were frozen and searching for my keys was absolutely excrutiating. I don't get it. I'ts only like -12C outside and I can't feel my hands and feet after 5 minutes of being outside. I've been outside with double that cold weather and been fine.. I think. I might have lost feeling in my face..

I wish I'd live somewhere warmer. Then again, that would mean deadly spiders, too, probably. Surprisingly enough, I miss Spain. Though it was cold the week we were there, too. xD

We had the kanji exam that I studied for from morning til night today. Didn't.. go so well. It's fine when  you have to write the pronunciation for kanjis, but not when you have to write the kanjis based on simple hiragana.. with no hint of what it could mean. It's near impossible for me.

Don't want to go outside no more.

I'm a cuckoo

Today a FB application told me that my year 2010 is going to be like 2005 was. And you know FB never lies. xD But it just made me want to look back at what 2005 WAS like. My blog was at another place at that time, so I can't read any posts from that year, but I do remember that it started off miserably and was almost okay at the very end (not really). December of '05 was when I was as sick as I've ever been, having tonsillitis and a fever that almost reached 40C. Yeah, no.

Still studying. Still not going to driving school, 'cause I'm not done with kanjis yet. Gah, can't waste time!

Baby I've never been very good at anything

Today has not been a good day. I've angered others (and myself) and I'm not feeling very well at all.

Immortal hair

Today I realized my hair color is here to stay. I dyed it and the only part that actually took the color in were the roots that had grown out a bit. Everything else stayed the same. It's amazing! And fucking annoying. That just means that I'm going to *have* to spend a fortune at the hairstylist if I want to dye my hair. My scalp hurts.

Don't let the sun go down on me

Fuck, what crappy cold weather. I hate snow. I'd rather go outside when all this is gone (see you guys in April?) But yeah, exams and school and shit. The only thing winter brings is sickness - which, apparently, only I'm afraid of. May it be swine flu or just the 'regular' one - flu's dangerous. And a sentence like 'hey, only old people and children die from it' doesn't console me much. 'Cause y'know, there's one missing from that list - people with weak immune systems. And as I'm still having a bit of trouble with my health.. I'm not interested in taking those chances. So, sorry M. (another one! he doesn't read my blog, tho, methinks) - as much as I would've liked to see you, don't want to get sick.

Ow. Tummyache (SEE? DO YOU SEE?).

The end of the year has crept up quite suddenly, actually. Sure, it's still the 13th, however - school's out (fooor summer! schoool's out foorever!) by the 18th already.. which just leaves one week. And there's a loooot of stuff piled up already. Semiotics, Allik's materials, driving school exams, kanji exam.. fuck my life. This is what happens when yer a lazy fuck like me.

I want cocoa.

The riot inside keeps trying to visit me

George Clooney is fucking hot. Now I want to see "Up in the Air". Also, maybe "Brothers".

Yesterday's party was.. awesome. M.'s school had a Christmas party and she took me along. Her coursemates are.. interesting. Who would've known there *are* more cool people in Tallinn? Maybe this country isn't too small after all.

I have been thinking a lot lately about wanting to get out of the country, travel around the world and stuff. I s'pose it doesn't sound much like me, but again, I think I've been so caught up in what I've thought I'm like, I haven't noticed the changes. Guess time does do something to people.

And I don't even just mean Japan, not really. I thought it'd be the easiest place to get to (well, not quite), as our school has that exchange program, but I'd very much like to see the US and Australia and Scotland.. It's a pity I'm not graduating this year - then I could start really thinking about that and planning. Then again, I'm hoping our Smartproof Deskies plan concerning the ole US.

There's a considerably important exam on Thursday, so I think I really should stop procrastinating and get to studying.

I wish I could stop wishing for things

Japanese homework has gotten surprisingly hard. Maybe because I've been falling behind a lot on it. We have a sheet of sentences, half in Japanese, half in Estonian and then we have to translate them. And translating Estonian to Japanese is fine - sometimes I don't find all the words, but at least I understand what they want from me, right? Obviously not the case with Japanese. SO much grammar stuck together, I translate all the words and *still* don't get it (and you never will, ha-ha). Well, at least I'm trying now. I want to pass the test in January. I haven't really had much motivation to study for.. months now. I don't get the same happy feeling anymore. When I first started Uni I sometimes just sat there with a stupid grin on my face and thought - I'm actually sitting here.. studying JAPANESE. Something new, interesting. Speshul. I don't get that anymore. I suppose it's gotten harder, there's more to memorize and all that takes the fun away. I used to love studying kanjis most about Japanese. 'Cause they were so easy to memorize! Now we take around twenty kanjis at once, they're all very specific and somehow I find myself thinking - when am I ever going to use THIS? And as we're supposed to know about - let me check - about 600 kanjis by now.. there's so much! There's not enough gigs in my brain to fit all this! And yet, we still don't know enough to even read a lousy newspaper.

Man, I do enjoy writing in English though. I wonder if it's going to bother some people, but I hate writing half in one language and half in another (whereas 80%-20% is totally fine, desho?) and that's what I was doing. And my thoughts flow more.. easily. In English. In Estonian my mind just gets stuck. In a strange sort of way, English inspires me. Huh.

And I'm sure I make mistakes, probably a lot of them, when using English. I feel even that skill has gone down a bit since high school (definitely my Estonian has). However. That is irrelevant. Just bear with me, will you? (It's unBEARable!)

Oh, I had another driving lesson today. And for the first time I got to go driving in real traffic. With cars and shit, you dig? And I LOVED it. Sure, I made some mistakes - being to slow in some instances, forgetting what I'm supposed to do in those traffic.. circle.. things, and so on, but.. it was great. I smiled to myself many times. I'm surprised at how much I like driving. I just hope I can pass those exams when the time comes, though (and that's not all that far away).

So AFTER the driving lesson I went through New Yorker, where I found the most gorgeous bag I've ever seen.. I thought long and hard, but I just couldn't NOT buy it. It would've haunted my dreams and then I would've returned to the store and found that it's been bought and I would've regretted it forevah. I'm sure. Merry Christmas to me! Best present ever. Christmas is the time of giving, right?

Beh, I feel a bit nauseous. But at least my tummy doesn't ache anymore. Beeehhhhh.

I'm watching a j-drama called Attention Please at the moment.. and it makes me want to become a stewardess (do they use that word anymore? At some point I heard they changed it to something more.. *appropriate*. Meh. They use 'cabin attendant' in the j-drama xD). Serving some tea in the sky. xD (way to downgrade it, son!)

Yeah. Feels good to write.

Honest to God I'll break your heart

..tear you to pieces and rip you apart

I've been reading the Dark Tower series again. The main character is Roland, a gunslinger, who is in search of said tower. And on the road he befriends some people who he grows to care for and love.. and yet he wouldn't think twice about sacrificing them, if that was what was required to get a step closer to the Dark Tower. A real cold streak in him. It also shines out when he needs to shoot people - he doesn't think about it, just lets his hands do the work with the guns on his hips. Killed every man, woman and child in Tull. No remorse.

I'm not HALF as cool as Roland, but I do feel I have a cold streak in me as well. I don't know what my Dark Tower is - I guess whatever thing that I think I need at that point in time. Sure I care about people - I've got the most wonderful friends one could have, how could I not? But there's like a switch. And at the flick of that switch, I suddenly feel.. nothing. Except maybe annoyance, because the situation can be bothersome. I'm hot-headed and cold-hearted. Heh.

And I'm not saying this in a "god, I hate myself" sort of way. I mean, even though it  has brought (and in future will bring) me trouble in relation/friend/etc-ships, I like it. It tastes sweet to me. Clear. I like clear. Emotions are always so confusing.

'You won't let me drop this time?'
'No,' Roland said. 'Not this time, not ever again.' But in the deepest darkness of his heart, he thought of the Tower and wondered.

'Sometimes I hate you, big white man.'
Roland placed the heels of his hands against his forehead and pressed hard. 'Sometimes I hate myself.'
'Don't ever stop you, though, do it?'

-'The Waste Lands', Stephen King