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August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 June 2005 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 November 2010

I'm so lacking energy right now.

Just lied on the downstairs couch for don't know how long and did nothing. Too tired to even watch TV. And I'm sure a lot of it is from this stupidly hot weather that we've had all summer (a good Estonian is never pleased with anything), so there's no air and you can't tell if you feel sick or it's just 'cause it's hot outside.

I practically lurched to work today, so hard to put one foot in front of the other. And repeat.

Also, I feel it's about time to figure out what I like to do.

(they're looking for cabin attendants now..)

Labels: kangae, raifu

I think it's safe to say I'm a pretty lazy person. And safe. Not liking change very much.

I'm 21 for another month or two, and still living with my mom. Lots of people have by that age already gotten their own place, driver's license, full-time job etc. I work part time, still haven't gotten around to finish driving school and yes, still having all my living expenses (water, electricity, food for half of the month) paid by someone else.

I've never been on my own. Having the 'live to work, work to live' sort of thing.

It sounds terrifying. It sounds like something I wouldn't be able to handle. Much like writing a thesis, har.

(yeah, how the fuck am I going to graduate Uni?)

Just recently I was sitting outside with my mom, and she goes
'I hope you get your dream. I hope you get to go to Japan.'
And I smiled and nodded, but I don't know if that really is my dream anymore. I wanted to go to Japan so bad cause, well, sure, I'm interested in the culture and society and I want/need my Japanese to be better if I ever want to that sort of work and you obviously learn best when you have no other option, no other language to speak, but.. right. I like Japan, but any other place would do, too. I wanted to go 'cause it seemed like the easiest choice - a reason to be there, a scholarship for yer living expenses etc. But really, anywhere else would be fine. I just want to see how life is everywhere else. If the grass is greener. More people, more experiences, more.. everything.

Right, this is a rant and not a very good one, but my point is that I'm thinking of trying to make it on my own and it's all very possible really and that's I think what makes it so terrifying. That all I have to do is take that first step. Buy that one-way ticket. Live.

Labels: arubaito, kangae, raifu, shuul

I can't do anything right. I'll never amount to anything. That's my fucking vibe. That's it.

Labels: kangae

How do you just.. forget another person? You can't remember what they were like. He asks,
so what did you two talk about?
and you just.. can't.. recall. You look at their picture and you don't feel anything at all. It's just another picture of just another person that has nothing to do with your life.

How does that happen? How can someone be so important, so.. irreplaceable at one point, and then so easily forgettable?

Is the first time I've noticed something like this happening. I guess that's what moving on is like, then. Very.. odd.

Labels: kangae

どうせ私が一方的に付き纏ってるだけですが、迷惑なんですよね、彼には。

Labels: dikteeshon, kangae, nihon

I'm so angry with myself. And so tired of myself. The box I'm in.

Is like my mind's been cut off from everything else and I'm afraid to break out of it.

Argh.

Labels: kangae

So, today was my last day at work. But more of that later.

Right now there's one thing that every time I think about it, I start laughing. And I know it's very mean and unladylike and just plain awful, but I can't help it, I find it hilarious. And that's what my last post was about. I actually had a Fight Club-ish moment.

So yesterday a bunch of us were at J's place, after L took us out to Olde Hansa. It was very generous of him, but I did feel bad about his money. When we were leaving and the waiter said "see you again!", J and me exchanged a look, thinking "yeah, how about no".

Anyway. There was water pipe and rum at J's, and at one point L dared me to punch him. I did, twice, but both were rather gently, as well.. I don't really want to hurt a friend. Or myself, for that matter. By the end of the evening he was going all "You hit like a girl", and dared me again. Well, I couldn't just as well turn him down, could I? So I got up, took my rings off and took a swing. The first one he dodged, and I didn't think he would, so I was rather surprised and threw another quick one, which connected with his ear instead of his face. He was all "Why the ear?!" and I was laughing and kind of sad at the same time, ear is such a pointlessly hurty place and judging from my hand, I only hit it with one knuckle (which M told me to put ice on, lest it swell).

L, being an officer in Helkpo, said he'd Cock-rank me for a week. x_o Oh well. Hopefully he won't think that all the boys in Estonia are gay and all the girls want to beat the shit out of him.

*chuckles to self*

And yes, quit my job. Lack of time, health issues, unbearable stress.. just couldn't do it anymore. I can't do it, captain, I don't have the power!

Maybe now I can finally get my driver's license, eh eh?

And study. I don't want to fail the last Japanese exam we have to do. That would be fucking stupid.

I hate the mask (metaphorical one, though now that I think about it, putting on my Guy Fawkes mask would be awesome xD) I put on when talking to certain people, especially when I should be myself. Even the shirt I have on now says 'be as you are' and.. really. Can't. Love to, but can't. Stuck in my own head.

I want my own car. And then I can blast all the music I want, yeaah!

This is the end of retardocat. Let's have a moment of silence.

Labels: arubaito, kangae, kuruma, raifu, shuul

How much are we what our genes tell us to be and our time of birth (zodiac) makes us? How much are we what we make of ourselves? How much do the things we've gone through affect us?

How do we let go of what we think we ought to be like?

I've always been awful tense. 'Reserved' goes under that. I just can't bring myself to let go and have fun. For me the fun part comes after all is clear and set and in my control. I realize that's no way to be, and I *want* to relax, but..

Frustrating.

Last time I did something not much like myself was when I fell out of love. Now it's 'cause of the opposite reason.

Silly me.

In other news, while I went to work to get some money together, it is terribly tiring and I can hardly do my own hours. And so, when I'm called and asked to come in, I really, *REALLY* don't want to, 'cause I've got my own stuff to do and the only time I have to do it - and maybe to relax, eh? - would be taken away. My health has gotten worse (thankfully I got my doc's time to an earlier date) and the stress of constantly being in this fucking race to try and do everything - school, work, driving school (haven't found ANY time for it lately, but it's hanging over my head like an axe) - is really wearing me down.

What I don't like is getting a guilt trip like this. I can't. I really can't.

Is also interesting how people you've been together with a long time change, after yer relationship changes. Gets sort of a mean edge to it. Sad.

Maybe I ought to quit while I'm ahead? On all accounts.

I ought to get to studying. Kanji exam tomorrow.

Labels: kangae, kuruma, raifu, shuul

As Miwju put her name into ze Urban Dictionary, I realized I've never even thought of it. And now, it turns out my name is sort of awesome.

perfection, pure perfection.
hi, i'm elise. god sent me. i'm here for the booze. i'd really like to fuck that sexy ass boy devin. he's a cutie.

Mad, mentally retarded but lovable and funny. Independent, stands out from the crowd in a good way.

Hi, God sent me, I'm mentally retarded? xD Makes sense.

Labels: dikteeshon, kangae

Do people change?

Second chances they don't ever matter, people never change.
Once a whore you're nothing more, I'm sorry, that'll never change.

I've thought they don't. They might show another side in another situation, with different people, but that's just the other side to them. But.. I don't even recognize me anymore.

I used to think I was loyal. Truthful. Loving. And I've been quite the opposite of that as of late. And I don't like it one bit.

Remember when I was
So strange and likable

I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

When I get a little scared

  It would make sense that we grow up, and that means losing some traits. Or maybe pushing them to the back of your mind, never to be used again. I think I used to like drama. I mean, it'd be horrible and SO INTERESTING at the same time.

I haven't liked drama for years, though. It's so bothersome, I'd just like things to be calm and nice. Interesting, sure, but in a different, less destructive way. And yet somehow with my overemotional unstable self, I create situations of drama. And I hate myself for it after. No, during. And still am unable to stop.

There's nothing to live for when I'm sleeping alone
And I wash the windows outside in hopes that the glare will bring you around
I- I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
I- I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me
So don't you worry there's still time
Don't you worry there's still time
Don't you worry there's still time
Don't you worry there's still time
Sunshine is days away I won't be saved I know all the words
I can't say that I'll love you forever

 Each morning I hope I wake up as a better person. I'm trying to, really.

Labels: kangae, raifu

I don't believe in coincidences much anymore. I believe everything we do, every book/article/back of a juice box we read, every road we take in stead of another one is to lead us up to where we are supposed to end up. I believe in fate. Now, a hobo's fate wasn't to become a hobo, but he did anyway. Because he didn't take the choices that were given to him. Instead of rising from the dust like a phoenix, he fell and stayed down. What happens to us is what is supposed to define us as us and to prepare us for what's coming. What's meant for us.

I'm not religious. Maybe I used to be a tiiiiny bit as a child, when I prayed to god at night, hoping that the aliens wouldn't take me when I was sleeping.

Maybe X-Files WAS a bad influence on a young  mind..

I've been very lucky thus far. I have a roof over my head, wonderful friends, I'm in Uni, just started working (at a time when work is not all that easy to find) and I still possibly have my life ahead of me. Now, if I could only use my time right.

It takes me a lot to understand that I don't need other people to tell me what I'm like. I ought to know myself.

Labels: kangae, raifu

All the bloodwork and the samples and the x-rays were totally worth the trip I took to actually send off the documents for the scholarship.

So today was the last day and I went to the post office to get stamps and an envelope and well, get my shit in the mail. When I asked how long it would take to get there, they said it'd probably be there by tomorrow. Well, I should've figured. I kind of did, but I really didn't feel up to sending the documents yesterday, as I spilled some Coke on one paper and had to replace it etc etc. So. I decided to go put it in the right mailbox personally. I had previously checked the address, but somehow mixed up the numbers in my head. The index ended with '25' and the real address was '13a', so I was looking for house no 25a. Yeah, I'm a fucking genius. Well, I map adventured quite a bit, going to the farthest corner in that area, when it had been meters from where I first thought it was. I liked looking for it, though. Walking around a place I hadn't really been before, the sun shining. And it was even more rewarding when I finally found the mailbox. I mean, now I've really fought for my place, right!

..I should've studied, like M did.

I also realized that even though it doesn't seem like it at first, green grass will pop out from under all that snow and broken hearts do mend. Just need a little patience.

Labels: kangae, raifu, shuul

I'm awful at being alone. It's like I need relationships to give me a purpose. I need to love. Not just to be loved, but to really head-over-heels love someone. I used to do a lot of pointless online tests, but I remember one in particular. The question was something like 'what makes you tick' or 'what motivates you' or something, but my result was nothing other than love. Silly, really.

I should find something better to do with my life, but my way of thinking is old-fashioned in that way. It won't matter where I am, what I'm doing, if I'm with someone I truly love.

I find it funny how I read something that I find clever and I think to myself 'no need to write it down, of course I'll remember it' and the next day the only thing I remember is that I read something I found clever.

I find it interesting how first love never really fades away. Even if you don't speak to the other person for months, mayhap years, and then when you suddenly meet up, your heart starts beating faster and you feel a sort of.. wonderful nostalgia. And indeed wonderful, even if it was full of hurt and hate all those years back. You may not be interested in them at all, and still feel love by default towards them. If anything, it reminds you you have loved and you can love again, you're not an empty apathetic shell of yourself.


Or we can keep chilling like ice cream filling
We can be cool in the gang if you'd rather hang

Today's a little better than yesterday.

Labels: dikteeshon, kangae, raifu