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Best abadon ship
Apr 28, 2010 || 12:48

How much are we what our genes tell us to be and our time of birth (zodiac) makes us? How much are we what we make of ourselves? How much do the things we've gone through affect us?

How do we let go of what we think we ought to be like?

I've always been awful tense. 'Reserved' goes under that. I just can't bring myself to let go and have fun. For me the fun part comes after all is clear and set and in my control. I realize that's no way to be, and I *want* to relax, but..

Frustrating.

Last time I did something not much like myself was when I fell out of love. Now it's 'cause of the opposite reason.

Silly me.

In other news, while I went to work to get some money together, it is terribly tiring and I can hardly do my own hours. And so, when I'm called and asked to come in, I really, *REALLY* don't want to, 'cause I've got my own stuff to do and the only time I have to do it - and maybe to relax, eh? - would be taken away. My health has gotten worse (thankfully I got my doc's time to an earlier date) and the stress of constantly being in this fucking race to try and do everything - school, work, driving school (haven't found ANY time for it lately, but it's hanging over my head like an axe) - is really wearing me down.

What I don't like is getting a guilt trip like this. I can't. I really can't.

Is also interesting how people you've been together with a long time change, after yer relationship changes. Gets sort of a mean edge to it. Sad.

Maybe I ought to quit while I'm ahead? On all accounts.

I ought to get to studying. Kanji exam tomorrow.

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