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August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 June 2005 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 November 2010

Cuz' every minutes like an hour
Every hours like a day
Every day lasts forever
But what else am i gonna do
I’d wait forever and a day for you

So if every day lasts forever and he would wait forever and a day, he'll wait for.. two days? Before finding someone new. Awful lyrics.

Labels: dikteeshon

Do people change?

Second chances they don't ever matter, people never change.
Once a whore you're nothing more, I'm sorry, that'll never change.

I've thought they don't. They might show another side in another situation, with different people, but that's just the other side to them. But.. I don't even recognize me anymore.

I used to think I was loyal. Truthful. Loving. And I've been quite the opposite of that as of late. And I don't like it one bit.

Remember when I was
So strange and likable

I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

When I get a little scared

  It would make sense that we grow up, and that means losing some traits. Or maybe pushing them to the back of your mind, never to be used again. I think I used to like drama. I mean, it'd be horrible and SO INTERESTING at the same time.

I haven't liked drama for years, though. It's so bothersome, I'd just like things to be calm and nice. Interesting, sure, but in a different, less destructive way. And yet somehow with my overemotional unstable self, I create situations of drama. And I hate myself for it after. No, during. And still am unable to stop.

There's nothing to live for when I'm sleeping alone
And I wash the windows outside in hopes that the glare will bring you around
I- I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
I- I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me
So don't you worry there's still time
Don't you worry there's still time
Don't you worry there's still time
Don't you worry there's still time
Sunshine is days away I won't be saved I know all the words
I can't say that I'll love you forever

 Each morning I hope I wake up as a better person. I'm trying to, really.

Labels: kangae, raifu

After all this time and all these adventures, she had still not seen the bottom of him. Not even close. She had seen him laughing and crying, killing and dancing, she'd seen him sleeping and on the squat behind a screen of bushes with his pants down and his ass hung over what he called the Log of Ease. She'd never slept with him as a woman does with a man, but she thought she'd seen him in every other circumstance, and no... Still no bottom.

"The Dark Tower" by Stephen King

Labels: dikteeshon

I don't believe in coincidences much anymore. I believe everything we do, every book/article/back of a juice box we read, every road we take in stead of another one is to lead us up to where we are supposed to end up. I believe in fate. Now, a hobo's fate wasn't to become a hobo, but he did anyway. Because he didn't take the choices that were given to him. Instead of rising from the dust like a phoenix, he fell and stayed down. What happens to us is what is supposed to define us as us and to prepare us for what's coming. What's meant for us.

I'm not religious. Maybe I used to be a tiiiiny bit as a child, when I prayed to god at night, hoping that the aliens wouldn't take me when I was sleeping.

Maybe X-Files WAS a bad influence on a young  mind..

I've been very lucky thus far. I have a roof over my head, wonderful friends, I'm in Uni, just started working (at a time when work is not all that easy to find) and I still possibly have my life ahead of me. Now, if I could only use my time right.

It takes me a lot to understand that I don't need other people to tell me what I'm like. I ought to know myself.

Labels: kangae, raifu

All the bloodwork and the samples and the x-rays were totally worth the trip I took to actually send off the documents for the scholarship.

So today was the last day and I went to the post office to get stamps and an envelope and well, get my shit in the mail. When I asked how long it would take to get there, they said it'd probably be there by tomorrow. Well, I should've figured. I kind of did, but I really didn't feel up to sending the documents yesterday, as I spilled some Coke on one paper and had to replace it etc etc. So. I decided to go put it in the right mailbox personally. I had previously checked the address, but somehow mixed up the numbers in my head. The index ended with '25' and the real address was '13a', so I was looking for house no 25a. Yeah, I'm a fucking genius. Well, I map adventured quite a bit, going to the farthest corner in that area, when it had been meters from where I first thought it was. I liked looking for it, though. Walking around a place I hadn't really been before, the sun shining. And it was even more rewarding when I finally found the mailbox. I mean, now I've really fought for my place, right!

..I should've studied, like M did.

I also realized that even though it doesn't seem like it at first, green grass will pop out from under all that snow and broken hearts do mend. Just need a little patience.

Labels: kangae, raifu, shuul

I'm awful at being alone. It's like I need relationships to give me a purpose. I need to love. Not just to be loved, but to really head-over-heels love someone. I used to do a lot of pointless online tests, but I remember one in particular. The question was something like 'what makes you tick' or 'what motivates you' or something, but my result was nothing other than love. Silly, really.

I should find something better to do with my life, but my way of thinking is old-fashioned in that way. It won't matter where I am, what I'm doing, if I'm with someone I truly love.

I find it funny how I read something that I find clever and I think to myself 'no need to write it down, of course I'll remember it' and the next day the only thing I remember is that I read something I found clever.

I find it interesting how first love never really fades away. Even if you don't speak to the other person for months, mayhap years, and then when you suddenly meet up, your heart starts beating faster and you feel a sort of.. wonderful nostalgia. And indeed wonderful, even if it was full of hurt and hate all those years back. You may not be interested in them at all, and still feel love by default towards them. If anything, it reminds you you have loved and you can love again, you're not an empty apathetic shell of yourself.


Or we can keep chilling like ice cream filling
We can be cool in the gang if you'd rather hang

Today's a little better than yesterday.

Labels: dikteeshon, kangae, raifu

I'm not good at being responsible. I'm not actually so much against doing work, but I'm worried that if I'm left to it on my own, I'll fuck something up. And when I'm working in the kitchen, I'm responsible for things going smooth. That there's enough rice ready, dishes clean, etc. And that makes me worry some. Also, if I'm left to take care of the house. Please!

Sadness finds me at odd times. When I'm putting a bowl that had chips in it to the washer or filling up the ice tray thing or choosing which tea to drink.

Had to go to work at 9am to listen about hygiene for three hours. Came home, slept. Now, in the evening, have to go to work again 'cause of some sort of meeting. At 10:30pm! Hesus.

A bunch of us went to see Alice in Wonderland yesterday. Though half of us were pointlessly 6 rows away from us. What the shit. Oh, and Alice was really pretty boring. Sure, pretty scenes, nice CGI, but I've even enjoyed Michael Bay movies more. They're pretty too, but have hotter chicks (Megan Fox!).

I need to study. I'd wait until my bad mood passes and I feel like studying, but I don't think that'll be anyday soon. And I've got another kanji test on Thursday. ToT 'Cause the last one went so well, right.

Labels: arubaito, raifu, shuul

Suddenly I'm very tired.

I woke up this morning with a massive tummy ache - that after a bad dream. That after a break-up.

The day went well, if to count out me making a complete fool of myself in Japanese, not knowing what was being asked of me. After that school friends and M came here, we played Memory and Labyrinth (yes, board games! they are wonderful), ate some horrible pizza and wonderful cake.

There's something wrong with my blood and my EKG, but apparently well enough.

I went through SC, hoping to get some food or anything, chipping in for the present and all, but no. Talked some, paid for my food and then came home. On my street, very close to my house, I saw a dog on the road. I actually stepped into someone else's yard and called B, 'cause I'm just.. so fucking scared of dogs. I can't help it. When I got home, my heart was beating in my throat and I cried a little. Fear is horrible.

Now, sitting here all alone, the fun seeps out and the sad seeps in. Why is it so hard even when you know it's the right decision?

Thankfully now that I've started working again, it shouldn't be that hard to keep myself busy. Busybusybusy.

And yet, I'm horribly lazy. I don't want to work. Clean. Study. Be awake.

Labels: arubaito, raifu, shuul

Today in keigo we talked about the more "male" words, which would sound weird when spoken by a female. Also talked about men in saunas and how they talk and act one way when they're just between guys and a completely different manner when women are present.

Also learned some grammar where in one sentence it meant to "stop thinking", just sort of pull a curtain down in front. Brain draining empty of thought.

There's a dead bird drawn on my Japanese homework (part of the exercise, apparently). I can't concentrate enough to find out why exactly.

So today I went to the doc, got my blood pressure measured and got an EKG and stuff. Tomorrow - X-ray and blood.. stuff. I'm finally going to find out what blood type I am! For a price (dun dun duuuun).

I'm probably going to faint, too.

I really am naturally foolish.

Labels: raifu, shuul